The following is an excerpt from The Recovery Rosary, a book offering 20 personalized meditations (one for each mystery of the Rosary) covering a variety of addictions, such as alcoholism, drug addiction, lust-related addictions, compulsive/disordered eating behaviors, being a loved one of an addict, and more.
Even though the Holy Family had meager surroundings that first Christmas, I can imagine how much joy they radiated. When I reflect on the Joyful mystery of The Nativity, I can’t help but think about one particular Christmas I had as a child caroling with my family.
Oh, how I wish those joyful times remained as I grew from a child into adolescence! They didn’t.
The innocence of my youth was stained when someone I loved molested me. My first thought was that it felt good, but knowing that it was wrong, I was ultimately left with constant anxiety, confusion, and inner turmoil. I didn’t tell anyone and set out on a path of self-sabotage, grabbing at anything or anyone to help make the pain go away. My parents took us to church but never modeled any semblance of a healthy relationship with others, let alone God. They fought all the time, specifically over money. How did they cope with the stressors of life or the difficulties of parenthood? By drinking, smoking, gambling, cussing, and carousing. The holy sacrament of Confession was embraced not as a gift of God’s healing grace but as a punishment for bad behavior, and I worried that “my secret” would send me to hell.
In high school, I met a boy who made me feel special. It wasn’t long before we were using drugs and drinking together, followed quickly by unprotected sex. I became pregnant, and instead of responding with faith and trust in God, like Mary had, my immediate response was that of paralyzing fear and despair. I convinced myself the situation was hopeless. I succumbed to the lies of society and the gentle coercion of others and sacrificed my child, and another soon after, by having two abortions. I spiraled out of control using alcohol, drugs, and sex to numb the deep pain, guilt, and shame for years. I recall many times where I felt the presence of God, but I stayed locked in the darkness where there was no hope of rescue.
Then one day, God broke through the madness, and I declared aloud, “I need help!” I surrendered and became honest, open-minded, and willing to do anything. With the fellowships of AA and Catholic in Recovery, I was set on a course of action, one that required change and self-sacrifice. The Twelve Steps eventually led me to seek help from “Project Rachel” to heal from my abortions.
Read the entire meditation from Kathy B. as well as 19 other meditations on each mystery of the Rosary by purchasing The Recovery Rosary and strengthen your spiritual life as a Catholic working the Twelve Steps of recovery or accompanying a loved one who is. For use by individuals or in small groups, this book can deepen your relationships with Jesus and Mary, helping you to draw strength from the Catholic tradition and 12-step recovery wisdom.
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