Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, or Part 5 of this series on addiction and Saint Benedict’s Twelve Steps of Humility.
We come to the second to last stage of humility, discretion. According to Saint Benedict, “The eleventh step of humility is that a monk speaks gently and without laughter, seriously and with becoming modesty, briefly and reasonably, but without raising his voice—as it is written: ‘A wise man is known by his few words’” (Rule). Discretion is silence and dignity blended together. We are no longer reckless in thought, word, and deed driven by our noisy pride and narcissistic self-indulgence, but we live in open receptiveness to God’s will for us that necessarily entails being receptive to the care and needs of others.
Discretion is founded on the formation of conscience that comes with the eighth degree of humility, prudence, which itself is reliant on that earlier and fundamental stage of humility, obedience. Discretion is how we effectively share our experience, strength, and hope because we are not motivated by self-promotion but rather by genuine concern for others. Wise old-timers in recovery epitomize discretion, knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to say it to get the attention of a fellow broken sinner. It is a skill that might very well save that person’s life and soul, and a talent that respects the inherent dignity of that fellow powerless addict who is so desperately in need of love and guidance.
Discretion is vital in the sponsor and sponsee relationship and serves as the spiritual foundation of recovery fellowship, for discretion speaks to how we respect anonymity and “place principles before personalities” (Twelfth Tradition). Discretion informs how we compassionately and non-judgmentally engage people, aware that our interactions with others are always in the sight of God, and aware that we are fundamentally no different than anyone else—that we are all broken sinners in need of a Savior. To be discreet reflects our affirmation that every human being, no matter how far they have sunk into the pit of self-destruction or wandered from God’s love (including ourselves), are nevertheless beloved sons and daughters of God worthy of our respect and careful attention. And this speaks to the marvelous Benedictine ideal of hospitality, which embodies all the stages of humility and constitutes an empathic “being-present-to-others” disposition of spiritual accompaniment.
Spiritual accompaniment, which is what recovery fellowship is and does, requires discretion for it is based on the principle that Christ is present in every person His providential love brings into our lives at any given moment. How we receive and treat them is tantamount to how we receive and treat Christ, and will dictate how Our Lord will ultimately receive and treat us (cf. Matthew 25:31-46).
Finally, the culmination of growth in the virtue of humility is reverence, of living every moment in the presence of God, of comporting our entire lives as a living prayer and as a selfless oblation (sacrifice) to God. Conversion at this stage reflects the near complete exchange of habitual self-love with the habitual desire to love God and neighbor in every person and place, in every circumstance and situation, and in the midst of every consolation and desolation. Every moment becomes an opportunity to love God and neighbor anew!
Learning humility began with a healthy fear of God: “I am the Lord, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out from the land of slavery. You shall have no god other than me…I, the Lord, your God, am a jealous God” (Deuteronomy 5:6-7, 9b). But as our healthy fear of God is transformed by ascending the steps of humility, we are increasingly motivated and indeed defined by the selfless love of God and neighbor as the only thing that matters; all else, including our previous illusory pleasures and unfulfilling attachments, pales in comparison. Reverence is when we truly embody the understanding that suffering and love always go together like two sides of the same coin. The unholy fission of suffering and love that our pride wrought in our addictions is restored by the fusing power of grace that brings about our perfection in humility.
Humility comes to its fullest flowering when Christ says to us, “I shall no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know what his master is doing. I have called you friends because I have revealed to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me. Rather, I chose you. And I appointed you to go out and bear fruit, fruit that will remain, so that the Father may give you whatever you ask him in my name. The command I give you is this: love one another” (John 15:15-17). This transformation in reverence is born of overflowing gratitude for God’s unwavering holiness, presence, goodness, beauty, truth, mercy, and justice in our lives. His grace, if we remain humble, infuses into our souls these same qualities and lifts us to heaven. Reverence is the fullest purification of our desires in this life, the pruning away of the dead foliage of sin, addiction, and self-will so that we become engrafted to the life-giving vine of Christ (cf. John 15:5).
As Catholics in recovery, the entire work of the Twelve Steps is directed towards this end. Saint Benedict puts it this way in the Rule: “The twelfth step of humility is that a monk always manifests humility in his bearing no less than in his heart, so that it is evident at the Work of God, in the oratory, the monastery or the garden, on a journey or in the field, or anywhere else. Whether he sits, walks or stands, his head must be bowed and his eyes cast down [in reverence]” (Rule).
Father J. Augustine Wetta OSB sums up this final degree of humility beautifully: “Here in the final step, Saint Benedict describes an ancient monastic practice known as custodia oculorum—custody of the eyes. These days, we would call it simply ‘reverence,’ and we save this virtue for last because it is the sum of all the others. The fear of God that we strive for in the first step inspires self-denial and obedience. Perseverance in those practices, tempered by sincere repentance for our failures, strengthens us to experience serenity in the face of adversity. This in turn finds expression in self-abasement, prudence, and, finally, silence. Now silence, infused with dignity and discretion, culminates in a profound and joyful reverence for creation, for our neighbor, for ourselves, and for God. Life becomes a constant prayer whereby we discover our fullest dignity as brothers and sisters of Christ” (Humility Rules).
Dr. Gerald G. May, in reflecting on the Original Sin of Adam of Eve, wrote, “In this powerful story, the basic elements of addiction and grace are distilled: freedom, willfulness, desire, temptation, attachment, and, of course, the fall. It seems to me that each of our addictions reenacts Eve and Adam’s story. The story of Eden is not over, yet neither is it simply repeating itself endlessly through history. Instead, it is going somewhere. I believe that humankind’s ongoing struggle with addiction is preparing the ground of perfect love” (Addiction and Grace).
In many respects, I believe this accurately describes the experience of recovery from addiction we undergo if we embrace humility as “the pathway to peace” (Serenity Prayer). It is from within the depths of our humility that perfect love comes to us and will dwell with us: “Whoever loves me will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our abode with him” (John 14:23). To use imagery of Saint Benedict’s ladder, it is by ascending the rungs of humility that we are lifted up to Heaven! Nobody ever wants addiction just as nobody ever wants suffering, but in the mystery of God’s providential love and permissive will, I believe we in fact come to experience His perfect love in His inexhaustible mercy as He unceasingly loves us in our brokenness and powerlessness, even in the darkness of our suffering and addiction.
I have come to realize in my own journey of recovery that in a strange way, everything happened as it was supposed to happen. I give neither justification nor excuse for how I lived and behaved or the harm I caused others; for that, I am solely responsible and to this day I am committed to making and living amends whenever possible! But I truly believe God let me rage in my addictions and gave me what I wanted to bring me to the point where the candle of my pride, burning at both ends, would finally flame out and bring me to the breaking point. And in that darkness and stillness, true light entered. I was broken so that I could be made whole. I was rendered powerless that I might become powerful. I was humbled, allowed to fall in my pride, that God might raise me up in exaltation. There was simply no other way and as a grateful Catholic in recovery, I rejoice in God’s mysterious plan of love for me.
Saint Benedict’s twelve degrees of humility have been and continue to be a tool in my ongoing walk of conversion. They are a treasure of timeless wisdom that, when integrated with the Twelve Steps of recovery, can open up a wide vista for seeing and understanding ourselves, our purpose, why we suffer, how to love God and neighbor, and how to live a good, humble, and sober life. In Saint Benedict’s words, they teach us to “prefer nothing whatever to Christ” (Rule).
Saint Benedict of Nursia, pray for us!
Pete S. is a grateful Catholic in recovery. He lives in Augusta, GA and helped start a CIR General Recovery meeting at St. Teresa of Avila Parish in Grovetown. He actively sponsors several individuals in CIR. He is also a regular content contributor for the CIR Daily Reflections. And as a result of his recovery journey in CIR, he discerned a calling to the Benedictine spiritual way of life and on September 30, 2023, was invested as an Oblate novice of the Order of Saint Benedict affiliated with St. Vincent Archabbey in Latrobe, PA.