Read Part 1 of this series.
In the first part of our exploration of the wisdom of Saint Augustine and 12-step recovery, we witness the dramatic change in awareness that led to Augustine’s recognition of his own powerlessness and of the one who is all-powerful, God. This shift in awareness is a hallmark of the necessary psychic change that takes place in the 12-step recovery process. We read as much in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding force of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begins to dominate them.” Augustine’s new sense of awareness and the necessity for change throw clarity onto his life and the moments that led up to that point.
All of a sudden, Augustine is able to point to the source of his addictions and unhealthy attachments by understanding the nature of his desires, which were misdirected toward finite goods that could never bring him the satisfaction and peace he desires. It is suggestive of the insanity of addiction: continually going toward an object that never delivers on what it promises. It is worth quoting Augustine in detail on this point:
“Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace” (Confessions).
Perhaps one of the most famous passages in Western literature, the above excerpt from Augustine articulates so powerfully the nature of desire and Augustine’s own misdirected search for peace. Having now come to an awareness of the God who is the source of all peace, Augustine can see the created goods of the world more clearly, and in fact, appreciate their significant place in the order of creation without falling into a disordered slavery under them. Most importantly, he can freely submit himself to the care of God as he has come to know and understand him.
Having experienced this psychic change and perceiving his life in light of this transcendent source of goodness, Augustine’s instinct is to make a probing search of his past life. For Augustine, the real work of God’s grace has just begun! The truth is that Augustine has been making a fearless searching moral inventory throughout his conversion process, which has led him to such a state of profound humility and healing. Augustine points out his motivation in book two of Confessions: “I will now call to mind my past impurities, and the carnal corruptions of my soul, not because I love them, but that I may love You, my God.” Augustine knows that in order to become free from addiction and the attachments he has developed over the course of his life, he must submit himself to the surgeon’s divine knife. He understands that the work of a fearless moral inventory is not to make one feel guilty but, rather, to diagnose the illness that has led to such a degraded state of being. He writes:
“And from You, O Lord, unto whose eyes the depths of man’s conscience are naked…what in me could be hidden though I were unwilling to confess to You? For so should I hide You from myself, not myself from You. But now, because my groaning witnesses that I am dissatisfied with myself, Thou shinest forth, and satisfies, and art beloved and desired; that I may blush for myself, and renounce myself, and choose You, and may neither please You nor myself, except in You. To You, then, O Lord, am I manifest, whatever I am, and with what fruit I may confess unto You I have spoken.”
Critical to Augustine’s conversion and abrupt change of life were the relationships with those who cared deeply for him. Namely, his mother, Saint Monica, and his mentor, Saint Ambrose. Freedom from addiction and disordered appetites does not come in isolation—it always comes alongside a community of others whom we can make aware of our past in all its unvarnished truth. God puts people in our path so that we may find freedom through their help. This echoes the order and structure of creation itself: relationship to God and man in a totality of love.
Remarking on Saint Ambrose, Augustine points out, “To him was I unknowingly led by You, that by him I might knowingly be led to You.” Saint Ambrose, through Saint Monica, became very familiar with Augustine when Augustine was still very antagonistic toward the Church; Ambrose knew the life Augustine was leading and it was Ambrose who would guide Augustine into the Church and toward freedom. Augustine writes about the values of having such people in one’s life:
“This is the fruit of my confessions, not of what I was, but of what I am, that I may confess this not before You only, in a secret exultation with trembling, and a secret sorrow with hope, but in the ears also of the believing sons of men — partakers of my joy, and sharers of my mortality, my fellow citizens and the companions of my pilgrimage, those who are gone before, and those that are to follow after, and the comrades of my way.”
During Augustine’s time in the early centuries of the Church, a public confession and profession of faith were very common. There is something about the bearing of one’s soul to others that eliminates the dark shadows in which addiction and disordered behavior thrive. Augustine came to understand that community and accountability are critical toward growth, and soon after his conversion, he founded a community of men to work alongside in pursuit of a virtuous life.
This series will continue with Part 3.
Michael currently serves as the Assistant Director of Admissions for Sacred Heart Major Seminary and has spent the majority of his professional career working to form the Catholic laity, drawing on the Church’s spiritual and intellectual tradition. He is active in his recovery community in Detroit and lives on a small homestead with his wife Alyssa and four children.