What do Saint Augustine and addiction recovery have in common? It turns out, quite a lot. Augustine, now recognized as one of the most influential people on Western thought, went through a tremendous struggle before he became the “saint” we think of today. This struggle is articulated in his Confessions, a classic work that is as relevant now as ever. Why would this be? The answer lies in the anguish and conversion that Augustine details, a struggle that we all face, especially those of us familiar with (or striving toward) active recovery.
While it cannot be said that Augustine was an alcoholic or drug addict darkening the rooms of some primitive form of AA, his chains, as he details, were primarily in the sins of the flesh. Certainly, anyone struggling with addiction or an unhealthy habit can relate to Augustine’s famous line from Confessions: “Lord, make me chaste but not yet.” Any person struggling with addiction or any unhealthy habit can relate to the desire of wanting to be free, yet unable or unwilling to totally depart from the snare that has taken them in and hand their will over to God.
Augustine details his inability to assent to God’s will, writing, “I held my heart back from positively accepting anything, since I was afraid of another fall, and in this condition of suspense I was being all the more killed.” While Augustine was paralyzed by his own self-reliance, he was still self-aware enough to know that he was falling away from God. Such is the twisted condition of those stuck in active addiction—internal contradiction, misery, and inertia.
If there is one thing that becomes clear as we read Augustine’s Confessions, it is the absolute powerlessness one encounters when they are mired in sin, addiction, or an unhealthy attachment. While addiction is not always a sin in the strict sense because of the reduced culpability when faced with the disease of addiction, nonetheless, it presents to us the same fundamental problem: No amount of willpower can pull us out of the darkness. Augustine writes, “I was still bound by the chains of my own desires…I wanted to be free, but I was not able to free myself.”
The experience of this powerlessness becomes a graced moment for Augustine because it leads him to relent to a higher power. His own agony in a garden described in Confessions becomes the very meeting place with God. Many addicts can attest to this “agony in the garden” experience where rock bottom becomes the sure and immovable foundation of our transformation.
It is this transformative encounter with the all-powerful God who meets us in our feeble state. Augustine pines, “I was pouring out my tears before you, and I kept saying, ‘How long, O Lord, how long? Will you be angry forever? How long will you be silent?” God was not silent, and, in fact, this transformative grace was already stirring up in Augustine’s heart. He was becoming primed for freedom.
It is in a moment of agony that Augustine was broken open like an egg, exposing his vulnerability, which serves as the necessary condition for the definitive moment of change. Having become naked and ashamed in the garden, Augustine did not hide from God. On the other hand, Adam hid when God called out to him, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9). God also called out to Augustine when he heard the words, “Take and read!”
But Augustine heeded the voice of providence, picked up a nearby Bible, and read the following: “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provisions for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14). In this moment, Augustine was transformed by the Word of a higher power who he understands will lead him out of darkness and into freedom. Augustine reflects on this moment in Confessions of liberation when he describes the action of God as shouting and breaking through his deafness.
The very idea of being free or enslaved points to needing another to unchain us—to let us out of our internal prison cells. The feeling of needing to be liberated from within is the height of existential pain. The 12-step program, as articulated by Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, likewise has as its first Step the turning toward a higher power to be freed from this self-isolated prison.
Bill’s own story has striking similarities to Augustine’s divine encounter: “Suddenly, the room lit up with a great light. I became conscious of a presence, and I was filled with a feeling of peace and a sense of power. I knew, in that moment, that there was a Higher Power, and it was this power that had been watching over me” (Alcoholics Anonymous). Likewise, this Step of admitting our powerlessness reflects Augustine’s own turning toward God. As a result of Augustine’s transformative experience, he would spend his life exploring this God of mercy, exhorting others to turn themselves over to Him, and experiencing His everlasting freedom.
Michael currently serves as the Assistant Director of Admissions for Sacred Heart Major Seminary and has spent the majority of his professional career working to form the Catholic laity, drawing on the Church’s spiritual and intellectual tradition. He is active in his recovery community in Detroit and lives on a small homestead with his wife Alyssa and four children.