For quite some time now, the Holy Spirit has been nudging me to write about a very sensitive and difficult subject—the pain and trauma caused by abortion. With God’s strength and courage, I pray that we as members of the CIR fellowship will join in deep prayer and fasting for the conversion of all those who support or condone abortion.

I will now share some very painful memories from my past that only came out when I listed them on paper in a searching and fearless moral inventory (Step Four). Taking an inventory of resentments, fears, and sexual conduct was imperative to my long-term survival and freedom from selfish and self-centered behaviors. As always, I had to pray for the willingness to continually die to myself in order to rise with Christ.

When I was a small child, my brother a year older than me touched my privates in an incestuous manner. I immediately knew that it was wrong but thought it felt good. I never told my parents and, as a result, experienced deep shame at a very young and impressionable age. Worse yet, I held onto this secret for many, many years. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” But shame says, “I am bad.” As a result, my childlike innocence was lost and my heart was deeply scarred.

I continued on as best I could but always had a feeling of emptiness and unworthiness. I never told anyone, not even when I participated in my first Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was holding onto a secret that only God could heal but I did not reveal it. Without realizing it, I was running from the one person who could save and set me free. I ran from Him for many, many years and after many sins.

In High School, I chased the first boy I liked. I so desperately wanted my ache of spiritual pain to go away that I began to drink and use drugs with him so that he would like me. It wasn’t long before I lost my virginity to what I now know was rape. At the time, though, I felt it didn’t matter—I felt I deserved it. I got pregnant and my immediate response to the pregnancy was paralyzing fear.

My parents fought about money constantly and they struggled desperately to take care of me and my seven siblings. I drank and drugged more and with gentle coercion from the boy’s father and his brother’s wife, I went to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test but was sold on abortion. “It was a clump of cells,” they told me. “I was too young, and once it was over you can move on with your life,” they said.

I was never the same after that day. They say that the mother takes the life of her unborn child but abortion takes the soul of the mother. This was painfully true for me. Not long after, I became pregnant again with the same man, holding onto the hope that the father would love and marry me this time. It didn’t happen, and so I had another abortion.

I really spiraled out of control with depression, anxiety, despair, and fear. My relationship with the man became physically, mentally, and spiritually abusive. Of course, I felt that I deserved this since I believed God hated me. A couple of years after graduating, I became pregnant a third time with him and it was then that God gave me a graced moment of clarity. He spoke to me that day, crying out, “It stops here!” 

I listened, and today that child is 39 years old and the mother of my three beautiful grandchildren. Not too long after she was born, I married a man (my husband of 33 years) and he adopted my daughter when she was six. We also had a second daughter together, which was another wonderful blessing. I have named and often pray with my two boys in heaven, and have come to know that our God is a God of abundant blessings!

I believe God comes to meet us when our hearts and minds are open to encounter Him. For many of us in recovery, these moments usually come out of sheer desperation and utter hopelessness (as they did for me). That graced call from God during my third pregnancy was the first time that I knew love was a choice—not a feeling—and that God was choosing me in love and asking me to do the same with my child.

I eventually surrendered my will and my life in the rooms of recovery and found intense healing from all my past traumas. With many miracles at confidential healing retreats, my past has now become my greatest asset. I am now a worker in His vineyard of post-abortive healing. God’s greatest desire is that all mothers and fathers, siblings, parents, grandparents, and friends step out of the darkness and pain caused by abortion and into His marvelous light. There you can find hope, healing, and restoration in God’s merciful love.

If you or someone you know has been affected by abortion please know that caring and confidential help is available. Please visit hopeafterabortion.com to find resources in your area. You can also visit rachelsvineyard.org to learn more about attending a powerful healing weekend retreat near you.

By God’s grace, Kathy has been clean and sober since June 1, 2006, and is an active member of Catholic in Recovery. She also feels called to share the merciful love of Christ’s healing grace with all those suffering from the pain and wounds caused by abortion. On most days, you can find her at daily Mass, the gym, or caring for the needs of her family.