The following is an excerpt from The Recovery Rosary, a book offering 20 personalized meditations (one for each mystery of the Rosary) covering a variety of addictions, such as alcoholism, drug addiction, lust-related addictions, compulsive/disordered eating behaviors, being a loved one of an addict, and more.
I imagine the scene depicted in this mystery as one under a bright blue sky and accompanied by a gentle breeze, the apostles gathered on the hillside. The men are silent, looking to Mary for strength. For a long time, I imagined this mystery as one of sorrow and loss. Jesus is leaving everyone behind. His mother would be alone now without a husband or son. The apostles are in grief, looking up to heaven as Jesus fades from view. Yet, the gospel tells us they had “great joy.” I then imagined that Jesus, too, must have felt joy because he was escaping the cruel and evil world and returning to the Father. But this was only a projection of my own addictive thought patterns and tendency to seek escape from pain. Jesus does not ascend to escape from this world. He ascends so he can be more present and accessible to us through his Spirit and sacraments. Just as Jesus ascended to reclaim his throne, we too are called to rise up and claim our vocation as his beloved sons and daughters. And just as Mary and the apostles had to be willing to give up the bodily presence of the Lord to embrace the Spirit, we too must be willing to let go of our old life of addiction to embrace a new life of grace.
My experience in active addiction began with a desire to escape the pain of past trauma and ended in ever-deeper guilt and isolation. Lying in bed one night after a particularly desperate relapse, I listened to the hollow sound of my heart pounding in the dark silence. I had found myself in this condition a hundred times before. I raced through my usual mental exercises, seeking to justify and distance myself from what I had done. However, this time was different. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find an escape. I was no longer able to conjure excuses to absolve myself. I knew there was nobody other than myself to blame for my addictive behavior. With my conscience in anguish, I realized that I had lost the grace of God and couldn’t face him. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to either. Years of engaging in my compulsive addiction had driven others away from me. I was out to sea, and the waters of despair were pulling me down.
Then, in the midst of that guilt-stricken turbulence, I noticed something on the nightstand I had completely forgotten. In a tangled clump under the lamp was a welcome sight: the beads of the Rosary I had turned to in times past. I knew then the Rosary was my lifeline—a connection to someone who would listen. In that dark hour, Mother Mary became my only hope. She was the hand that could pull me out of the surging waters. She was my refuge for sinners.
Read the entire meditation from Bill B. as well as 19 other meditations on each mystery of the Rosary by purchasing The Recovery Rosary and strengthen your spiritual life as a Catholic working the Twelve Steps of recovery or accompanying a loved one who is. For use by individuals or in small groups, this book can deepen your relationships with Jesus and Mary, helping you to draw strength from the Catholic tradition and 12-step recovery wisdom.
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