When Frank was 13 years old, he began secretly watching sexually explicit videos. But growing up in a religious family in Southeast Asia, he hid this growing addiction. Instead, he would watch, rewind, and rewatch “sexy” scenes in secret—successfully keeping his behavior hidden. It was the start of an addiction to pornography and masturbation that would last for over 14 years.
Throughout these years, Frank carefully hid this from not only his family but also his friends and, eventually, even his wife.
“I lied about it even when directly asked and even scolded my classmates who were publicly watching porn,” Frank said.
His behavior continued until earlier this year when the Coronavirus struck and forced him—like many all over the world—into quarantine. During the lockdown, Frank got into an argument with his wife about his tendency at times to be dishonest with her.
He had seen a therapist about this tendency in the past as well. His therapist told Frank that his habit of pornography—and the dishonesty required to keep it hidden—had helped formed this more general habit of lying. Frank had not shared this with anyone. But things changed during this recent argument when he finally admitted to his wife that his tendency to be dishonest stemmed from his addiction to pornography and masturbation.
“I admitted my pornography and masturbation addiction to my wife during the quarantine,” Frank said. “When I opened up to my spouse about it she experienced betrayal trauma as I had been maintaining this holy and good-guy image. It shattered the image of the person she thought she married. She realized she was married to someone more sinful than the person she thought she married.”
Yet, the confession to his wife has proved to be healing. Since April 9th of this year, Frank has been free from pornography and masturbation. He is over 60 days into his recovery. While he is still in the early stages of recovery, hitting two months of sobriety from sexual addiction is a tremendous accomplishment—and a great testament to God’s grace.
And one major example of God’s grace has been his wife’s love and support.
“When my wife found out she told me about an article she read that if a husband has a porn addiction there’s a big chance that the marriage will fail,” Frank said. “Yet, she also encouraged me that with God’s help, anything is possible. This has motivated the two of us to work together to overcome the addiction that I have.”
Frank also points to the healing he has received through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
“The sacrament has been very important with my recovery as it has helped my heart and soul feel less heavy,” Frank shared. “I am dealing with this addiction and understanding more and more about the pain that I have caused, especially to my wife.”
Another example of God’s grace in Frank’s recovery journey has been attending virtual Catholic in Recovery meetings. His wife came across these virtual meetings by Google searching Catholic support and resources for overcoming pornography and masturbation. Fifteen days after Frank became sober he began attending meetings—he hasn’t looked back since.
“I specifically like the specialized recovery sessions, for me, those are sessions particular to lust addictions because it’s very comfortable for me to hear someone else share about their struggles and for me to be able to say, ‘I’ve had a similar experience as that person.’ Or to be able to share and hear someone else in the group say that he is also experiencing similar feelings of stress that I am,” Frank shared.
Living in Southeast Asia, Frank is grateful that he’s able to still be a part of Catholic in Recovery meetings through a virtual connection.
“My experience being in another country while attending these sessions has been great, especially since the Monday evening 10 pm (EST) meetings occur at 10 am for me,” Frank said. “The sessions have been handled very well due to Scott’s moderation and everyone has been respectful and supportive of one another.”
He is quick to point out that for anyone who lives somewhere without in-person Catholic in Recovery meetings—be that in the U.S. or another country—that virtual meetings can be a real source of grace and fellowship.
“Since I have only been attending Catholic in Recovery meetings online, I would easily recommend them to anyone dealing with the struggle of pornography and masturbation. The meetings provide an open and understanding environment that makes it easier to share and heal together.”